Allez! Allez! Allez!: 07/19/18

Hope y'all are sitting comfortably? This could/will go on at some inordinate length: not unlike this sainted mountain, hah-hah! The reason this post is late is down to the hotel's wiffy going on strike last night: very handy.

Anyway when we last spoke, we were settled in our hotel in Alpe d'Huez and ready-ish to set about the challenge. Plans were changed because I favoured getting another (poor quality) night's rest in and the overnight weather wasn't brilliant...so it was an easy decision to slip things to a 10am start on Tuesday.

View from hotel room...can we not just sit on the balcony all day? Apparently non.

So in the morning we demolished a fair amount of the breakfast buffet and descended to the official 'Km 0' marker on the outskirts of Bourg d'Oisans at about 0930. Cue the first of a few cheesey photo ops...I insist on them, hah-hah!

Fear & Trepidation/Dumb'n'Dumber/Oh just get on with it!

Anyone who has ridden up L'Alpe will vouch that it is a pretty rude start: the first third of the whole deal is the worst, and the sage advice given (but not always heeded) is to keep your powder dry until later on...you'll need it. So that's up to the seventh hairpin- but you've still another fourteen to go.

As ever, you expect a little rain on your parade and lo and behold...we were rounding the *second* hairpin when there was a decent BANG from Andy's rear tyre. So one tube change and twenty minutes later and we're back and going vertical again- hurrah!

Red Bull are quicker than this. Put some effort in, man!

The rest of the first climb was fine-ish...a real blast to see so many other eejits out doing similar and we were blessed with the weather. You also get a few shouts of encouragement and applause from some of the fans who've already taken up their positions on the mountain, as well as a 'high five' from one grizzled, old Dutch guy with a wild, burnt-out hippy hair-do, hah-hah!

The one and only.

One down er, up!

We didn't linger too long after completing the first climb: not for us the luxury of pulling stumps and retiring to an adjacent cafe for a well-earned espresso, cheering other eejits as they wheeze over the finish-line, no Siree!

Back down we go, which takes between 20 and 25 minutes: top speed was over 50 mph which does concentrate one's mind. Fair point that: people assume that you can relax on the descent...no way, you gotta concentrate. Overtaking cars and watching for the random actions of civilians is self-preservation and unfortunately we did see an ambulance attending to casulaties on a couple of occasions.

You pick-up speed so quickly out of each hairpin and you can feel your bike frame flex and occasionally squirm slightly as the harsh braking scrubs off enough speed through the switch-backs...the cambers are fantastic in places too, pitching you one way and then the other. Wow!

Parking: 2/10. Could do better.

The rest of the climb is uneventful but is a blast anyway with cyclists of all shapes and sizes and some on electric bikes too! What a good idea, ahem...

Bit premature with the V-sign, old son.

Two climbs calls for proper-ish food, so we retired to the cafe across the street- it's brilliant having someone pleasant bring food and drink. Andy took this break to ask a local bike-rental chap (Oz guy called Ollie) to replace his suspect rear tyre, which he did. My bike frame attracted a couple of positive comments too- certainly more than its owner...

To be fair, we have previous with Ollie as he sold me an ex-rental bike (which I still ride) when mine went walk-a-bout when we're in The Alpe for the first time back in 2012. He also features at 1 minute and 10 secs in, on this short BBC clip about The Alpe. (Cheers Rog.)

Then it's back down to the start we go, in ever-rising temperatures...

I don't even like Queen!

More of that street art.

Team Eejit photo shamelessly pilfered from pro-snapper's website. No, no shame...

Voodoo Child ahoy...go Jimi! Three done.

Three done and rinse-and-repeat...head back down through busier traffic, with everyone trying to get up and down. The notable (well, sort of) event of this climb was that at about 2 miles from the top, a Dutch fellow had set-up a drum-kit by the side of the road and had his own PA playing away. I stopped and asked if he would mind if I had a go: sure, of course, no problem! The lamentable effort is captured below...

Big thanks to the Dutch gent who set this nonsense up!

This gave us (Andy filmed it, so blame him) a welcome break for 5 minutes or so: even though you can see The Alpe, the last bit has a tendency to bite you regardless. As has trying to clip-in to your pedals on the wrong side...no, no names, A.W. So we complete number four, feeling not too awful, all things considered.

Quattro...yeah!

The great thing about having a hotel room so near the centre of the resort is that you can nip-in and freshen up, take a break and try to feel civilised once more. Anyway, we picked-up an official leaflet detailing all the 'dos and don'ts' while Le Tour is around: we got quite the shock when we read about the draconian road closures...basically the road from Bourg d'Oisans leading up to The Alpe will be closed from 8pm until 6am to all traffic...even us!

Yeah but they can't mean us?

We passed the leaflet between us, re-reading and trying to find the loop-hole, which didn't exist. Turns out that the amount of barriers that the organisers put in place to keep the fans clear from the cyclists is way more than before and to get the job done, they want zero traffic overnight! You can see where they're coming from but it kind of scuppers our plan...any way, we went out and descended for the fifth climb, feeling a little deflated.

Alpe d'Huez cop shop. Rules is rules...

In truth, there was a big part of me that wanted to thank Le Gendarmerie because I didn't have much left in me- reckon I could have completed six climbs in a row but after that...

Sure they do!

One feature of the climb when Le Tour comes to town is that the Dutch fans pretty much take over turn number 7 (the hairpins are numbered from 21 to 0, with 21 at the bottom of the climb) and they'll be in place days beforehand. Imitation being the sincerest form etc., you now have 'Belgium Bend', 'Irish Corner' and the like, but the Dutch lead the way with the loudest PA system blaring the most unlistenable Eurotrash-pop.

Nederlands headbangers ahead...

Taken today as the pros rode around Dutch Corner: they're nuts. Credit to Andy for the idea of taking it!

Basically think of any song, any song that you love and those headbangers will have an awful cover of it. The low point would have to be a disco version of 'Amazing Grace', hah-hah! These loons are on the beer from early-doors and you could hear them from our hotel room balcony- over one mile as the crow flies! Anyway, as we rode past them and got a few shouts of encouragement Andy made a beer drinking gesture and one of the guys gave him his beer. Class!

No stopping. Cheers!

The rest of the fifth climb was a grind and it was noticeable how the numbers of cyclists had thinned-out and also how quickly the temperature drops, especially in the shade and with a breeze. Anyway, that meant a close of play for us: back to the hotel to shower and then out to get some food, pronto. Fair to say that the mood (well, mine) was a bit down...

Note to self: make sure lens is not covered in sweat. Cinq!

We reckoned that the best thing we could do now would be to try to recover a bit overnight, cane the hotel buffet-breakfast, and then try and do more climbs the following morning. Genius- we're back in the game- roll on Wednesday!

We managed to get down to the start for just after 0930 again and had the obligatory (well, I insist on them) photo. I'm getting good at miming "can you take our photo please" to bemused civilians, hah-hah!

The build-up of traffic meant the descent could be slow going in places.

We couldn't use the weather as an excuse...wow!

Here we go again: that's as white as that jersey will ever be.

Wagons roll and bang, your legs feel it as the gradient is straight into double-digit territory and the temperature is already heading for 30c: it would hit 38c later on. There were literally hundreds of cyclists making their way up, in varying degrees of discomfort: some on electric bikes too. Swine, hah-hah!

Who in their right mind wants to run up here? Nice ears, Ma'am.

Konichiwa!

Andy wasn't totally enjoying this climb- he stopped for a photo at 'Welsh Corner' and said he'd see me at the top of the climb. I must admit that it was getting tougher: the few areas where the gradient eased-off no longer felt like a respite.

Great to see Geraint leading* Le Tour! (*correct at time of going to press.)

There was an unexpected boost for me just after the halfway point when I looked across the road and recognised a face: Mr. Juan Antonio Flecha. No, didn't think you would know him, but he was pretty handy on two wheels back in the day (rode for Team Sky eventually) and now is working for Eurosport. Anyway, I stopped and asked if he would mind a photo and he was the nicest guy, happy to chat about Le Tour.

I told him what we had done so far and he was incredulous and laughed and said we were crazy. I said daft as well but that's because I'm Irish: he said his wife was half-Irish and agreed, hah-hah! Well, perhaps you had to be there...

Top man, JAF!

Away I went, chuckling to myself...and eventually the finish line was reached.

Six. In both lingos!

Andy crossed the line a couple of minutes after me, and his legs weren't playing today: he had had enough fo L'Alpe for one trip. We agreed to meet at the finish line in two hours' time, and away I headed back down again...was sorry not to have Andy there but I understood as I was feeling it a bit myself.

There was no change in the seventh climb apart from more traffic, more noise, more heat and more grunting! I was glad to see the resort and when I crossed the finish line Andy shouted for me. We got the (by now) standard photo and then broke for lunch: the world's biggest plate of tagliatelle bolognese. Get in!

Have it.

Even though I felt that the wheels were coming-off this wagon, the food did the trick and I headed back down to start number eight. Same again, except it was grimmer and I had to stop a couple of times to dowse my head. There were cyclists stopping all over the place, some walking and some a bit broken! This is a tougher climb than its numbers suggest and there's a good reason why multiple climbs of Huez aren't a feature in many cyclists' Palmares, hah-hah!

My favourite view? The end is in sight...yes!

I grovelled up the final ramp and crossed the line: Andy gave me a shout and then it was time for photos and a handshake. Eight climbs were as much as I could manage...not much was left out there, really. Tough...

Huit et fini. It did me, more like!

That's a wrap then: not a success in terms of completing the ten ascents, but definitely one in terms of funds raised for the Fantastic Five. I thank everyone who donated to the charities because you have raised almost £4300! So from that perspective it has been a big success, so good on you.

Now on with food, ale, nonsense and Le Tour. Go Geraint!